And now behold, I say unto you, my
brethren, if ye have experienced a
change of heart, and if ye have felt
to sing the song of redeeming love,
I would ask, can ye feel so now?
In C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters, he has a letter (#8) talking about spiritual undulations. It is natural for there to be troughs and peaks in our spiritual lives. In my verse, Alma is asking whether you can feel the same joy you felt when you're heart was first converted. In my experience, the answer will sometimes be "No."
My own change of heart was a pretty strong experience. I have been a part of the Church all my life. I was baptized when I was 8, and I went to church every Sunday. But attending and being converted are two very different things. I was converted on September 4th, 2013. That is when I experienced my change of heart, and sang my song of redeeming love. This is what I wrote in my journal that day:
" 'Consider the lilies of the field,
how they grow, how they grow.
Consider the birds of the sky,
how they fly, how they fly.
He clothes the lilies of the field.
He feeds the birds of the sky,
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with his eye.
Consider the sheep of His fold,
How they follow where he leads.
Though the path may wind across the mountains,
He knows the meadows where they feed.
He clothes the lilies of the field.
He feeds the birds of the sky,
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.
Consider the sweet tender children
Who must suffer on this earth.
The pains of all of them He carried
From the day of His birth.
He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs in His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold.'
Today, I know that God loves me. 'Consider the Lilies' is my anthem, and one day, I want it sung at my funeral. I feel like it was written just for me so that I would have a powerful witness of God's love for me. Praise & Glory to God! I love Him!"
I won't tell you all of the details of the intensely personal witness I received (of which this song was a part), but I will tell you it was in response to a desperate prayer a few weeks earlier, "God, do you love me?" I was in the midst of a difficult, almost suicidal, depression when I gave that raw painful call to Him.
I was not capable of receiving the answer right away. I was too raw, too frantic to feel the gentle nudgings of the Spirit. But during the following days and weeks, a scripture would come to my mind here and there. When I finally went to look them up, I became receptive enough to the Spirit to be led to more scriptures, this song, and to recall some specific experiences in my life.
At the beginning, I was not thinking of my prayer, I was just acting on the impressions I was receiving. But when I was open enough to receive all the impressions, the response came to me that this was the answer to my prayer I had given weeks earlier. The feeling of Godly love came so swiftly and so strongly that I was overwhelmed. I cried, and I sang in my heart a song that had no words.
I will never forget that day, and I do not believe I will ever forget that God lives and that He Loves Me.
Back to Screwtape.
"He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. ... He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His and; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles."
So, will we always feel the emotions we did at the time of our conversion? No. Even if we are doing everything right, the same thrill and intense emotion that accompanied that change of heart will not always be present. It cannot be if we are to be tested and to grow and improve.
So why does Alma ask if we "can feel so now"? I have found that simply remembering my experience bolsters my testimony and gives me the strength to act. I can still "sing the song of redeeming love" through my thoughts and actions even if I'm not at the height of emotional intensity I was when I first experienced my change of heart. I believe that continuing to sing, even when it is difficult is pleasing to Him.
It is when we stop singing, when we stop acting, and it is when we allow our self to doubt that we are in danger. It is when we forget. It is when we feel less and less willing to act on those rapturous revelations that we turn away.
"Can ye feel so now?"
I would like to think that this question does not imply that we should be feeling ecstatically joyful every day in our life. I would like to think that this question implies that if we retain the feeling of willingness to act as we did in the beginning, we are on the right path.
Can you feel the same level of conviction and determination now that times are trying? Or do you require that emotional high to remain "spiritual"?
Keep feeling the conviction. Keep feeling the willingness. Choose to act and the joy will come. Do not expect the joy to come before you act. The joy will return and light your way once again if you are faithful. And if you are faithful to the end, the joy will be eternal.
